Kettle Canning

 

Unusually for me, there is no rant in this article, no incitement to moral crusade. This is purely a practical tip for hospital porters; who, like many of us, have no microwave oven or any other means to cook food in their lodge. Sadly management frequently fails to condescend to provide us with such an appliance. Several HP's have independently invented a substitute method, including me. I call it "kettle canning". It only works with canned food. This is how to do it. Place the can in the kettle. Fill the kettle to a level where the can is completely submerged. Boil it and then let it stand for a few minutes; boil it again after about three minutes. Pour the water away down a sink, taking care not to splash the hot water in a way that could hurt people. Then take out the can; it will probably be too hot to handle with bare hands and you'll need a glove, cloth or a wad of tissue. The label will probably come off during the process so make sure the wet paper is not left in the kettle. Wash out the kettle so it can be used again, open the can and enjoy.

All Labour Requires Intelligence

 

The Russian-American philosopher and author Ayn Rand has come up on the HPWA before. In the background links below you'll see where her work has previously influenced this project. In her novels there is a powerful message against snobbery. Many of the heroes have a working class background, most notably Howard Roark. The main characters all have friends in so-called "less important" professions; the man who runs the cigarette kiosk at the railway station, the trusty metal workers at Hank Reardon's factory, the stowaway on the train, the typewriter technician in the first chapter of Atlas Shrugged etc. This is proof that one does not have to be leftwing to champion the welfare of the rank-and-file citizens. I've found that of all the people I have encountered, both personally and by repute, Ayn Rand is one of the few who would truly have understood me when I say I'm proud to be a hospital porter. In this audio recording you can hear Rand describe her thoughts personally, see: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zFCnxjPk64. This was made in October 1980 during an interview for The Raymond Newman Journal. As a former hospital porter I approve of this message. As she says, all labour requires intelligence and being "lower" does not make you less worthy. There is nothing wrong at all with saying: "I am proud to do..." whatever your occupation is, even if it is one with low conventional social status. There is no such thing as a menial job; jobs are either done well or they are done badly.
See here for background: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2025/03/he-loved-his-work.html.
And: https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2018/11/we-living-by-ayn-rand.html.

Xmas Idea

 

It may only be November, but the modern world moves fast and Christmas is coming soon, it seems. Therefore now it is timely to wonder what present you will buy for the hospital porter who seems to have everything. There is a fashion meme going round at the moment which centres on the slogan: "It's a porter thing; you wouldn't understand." I'm not sure where this catchphrase originated or what "porter" refers to. I thought it might mean Porter ale, but it doesn't specifically. That fount of universal wisdom, Google AI, cannot identify where it originated. Despite this it has appeared on a wide variety of merchandize, such as this hat: https://mfamilyhub.com/products/Porter-thing-washed-baseball-cap and illustrated above. Also this jersey: https://seseable.co.uk/products/its-porter-thing-wouldnt-understand-family-name-women-sweatshirt-g7oj8jM9K9Ie. The good news also comes from Google AI, because I asked it: "Could it apply to hospital porters?" and the response was: "Yes, the phrase could easily apply to hospital porters. While the phrase 'It's a Porter thing; you wouldn't understand' primarily appears online as a personalized name-based meme, for people with the surname or first name 'Porter'; it is also used in a professional context. You can find merchandise such as mugs and t-shirts featuring this specific slogan aimed at hospital porters, highlighting the specific, often challenging and varied, duties of the job that other hospital staff might not fully appreciate; such as moving patients, equipment, hazardous waste, deceased patients, etc. This is different from other types of porters, such as hotel porters or baggage porters. In this context, the 'porter thing' refers to the shared experiences, inside jokes, unique challenges, and essential role that people in that specific profession understand, which those outside the role; e.g. doctors, nurses, administration etc, would not. It is a light-hearted way for a specific group of workers to acknowledge their unique contribution and camaraderie." What can I say except... copy that! So I think we have the perfect stocking filler for that wonderful HP in your life who's bored with getting new pairs of socks or cheap supermarket Scotch every year. Surprise and delight him in Christmas 2025!

Clock Change

 

In the early hours of this morning, Sunday the 26th of October, all clocks in Britain will be wound back one hour. 01:59:59 will be followed by 01:00:00, not 02:00:00 as it normally does. This is common practice across much of the world, mostly in countries lying in the temperate or polar zones of the planet. Its purpose is to make the evenings as long and bright as possible. This has always caused a few problems for many people, especially in the NHS. As a twenty-four-seven operation we are working during the moment of this change which means service people on nightshift tonight will have to work an extra hour. The portering nightshift is 10 PM to 6 AM which is eight hours; but tonight we'll be working nine. We will not get paid for that extra hour. Unions have been trying for years to remedy that discrepancy, but management reply with: "Well in spring when the clock goes forward you work seven hours and get paid for eight so it's as broad as it's long." However there's no guarantee the same porters will be on nightshift on both occasions. We also have to be careful with log records during that extra hour, making sure to add the labels to every time stamp: (BST) for British Summer Time and (GMT) for Greenwich Mean Time. As for the early shift, that always relieves the nightshift at 6 AM regardless... or it should. When the clocks go forward in spring many members of the early shift will turn up at 7 AM and say: "Did the clocks go forward? Damn! I forgot about that." Are they just saying that as an excuse to turn up late? Probably. How do I know? Because I can bet that not a single porter will forget about the clocks going back tomorrow morning and turn up an hour early.

"It's Necessary"

 

As I've said many times that only a small proportion of people are true psychopaths; six percent is a common estimate. However, there is another category of people which I call "pseudopsychopaths" and there are many more of them. In fact I think probably the majority of people in society exhibit pseudopsychopathic behaviour to a greater or lesser degree. How can we tell the difference between the two? I've found that one major distinction is that pseudopsychos will try to justify their actions to themselves with moral excuses. A true psycho will not. The real McCoy has no conscience and so won't care. Whenever I complained about my treatment by civilians at the hospital, including "Sharon", see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/how-dare-you.html and "Stacey", see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/well-take-it-from-here.html, sometimes I would get an answer along the lines of: "This behaviour may seem nasty and demeaning to you, but it is necessary. The modern NHS cannot function without a highly organized and disciplined workforce in which everybody knows their place and behaves accordingly. It's nothing personal, Ben; it's just people reminding you of this necessity." It's an attitude illustrated well in two movie clips: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_RZmWH-Fcws and: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jpoR10Zh0ig. This explanation has never rung true for me. Firstly, I've always "known my place"; and, as I've said many times, I'm very proud of my place and wouldn't want to be in another one. Also, I'm completely aware of the need for discipline and organization. We all have a duty to perform and an obligation to do it. In fact I was one of the first to raise the alarm about declining levels of discipline, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2016/12/nurse-sacked-for-praying.html. However, I believe a service base that is well trained, cared for, happy and treated well will develop internal self-discipline. In my experience, the ward sister who treated her nurses kindly got much more work out of them than the evil bitches who just shouted and criticized. And in my own profession, the head porter who was bullish and detached bred resentment among the crew. This encouraged us to move in a slovenly manner, cut corners and swing the lead as much as possible. The porters would feel less energetic and inspired. Could it be that the reason this idea has become so popular is because it provides a false justification, a convenient smokescreen? These people just want to treat other people badly. They enjoy being horrible to others; it's as simple as that. The idea that "it's necessary" appeals to them because it satisfies whatever remains of their conscience after they've desperately tried to suppress it.
See here for more information: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2023/12/hps-and-psychos.html.
And: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2015/12/nhs-nurses-destroy-patients-doll.html.

"It's our Job"

 

The 2003 film Boudica- Warrior Queen is one I can't watch too often because it will give me one of my legendary "Boudica moments"; and I can't keep having those. It's worth seeing though, even if you only do so once. It's a very good dramatization of one of the most significant events in history, one that changed the entire course of Britain's future, or even maybe that of the whole world. The reasons why I think this are complicated, but they're all in the background link below. One of the best aspects of the film is Michael Feast's performance as the Roman general Gaius Suetonius Paulinus. Not very much is known about Suetonius outside of the facts reported by the historian Tacitus, that he led the military response to Boudica's rebellion; but in the movie he is given a very interesting personality. He does his duty for Rome like any other good legionary, but privately he is filled with guilt, self-doubt and sympathy for his enemy. There's a scene in the evening just before the Battle of Watling Street where Suetonius is talking to his aide-de-camp and the following conversation takes place:
SUETONIUS: What a primitive way of settling disputes. All that slaughter. Better to toss a coin then we could all go home.
AIDE: And you and I would be looking for employment, sir.
SUETONIUS: Good. I'd like to learn to build a straight wall. (Chuckles) Look at them. They're fighting this war to save their people, to keep the right to their own land, to preserve their religion and the right to practice it; and we're fighting it because... we're here and it's our job and... Professional pride really. It's not enough is it?... I'll turn in now." (Both men stand)
AIDE: Goodnight, sir. And a glorious victory for the emperor tomorrow!
SUETONIUS: (Over his shoulder, cynically) Hmm. Quite.
Source: https://youtu.be/YNF7WGQYmd0?si=0qm6muxGruzrIOHA&t=4854.

What's interesting about this dialogue that it reminds me very much of the general difference between management and the healthcare providers, both hospital portering and civilian. People who get into medicine, nursing and other PAM's often do so out of passion. Their work becomes a part of themselves in every way, as I myself say here: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/its-not-job.html. People attracted to administration are very different. They tend to be very unscrupulous, not positively evil; just amoral, detached, indifferent. This is why it was so easy for me to predict which porters were most likely to be promoted. For them life is very simple. They do things, get things they like and avoid things they don't like. The kind of Hamlet-like introspection, dilemma and hesitation that I constantly experience is not only unknown to them; it is incomprehensible. There's a new phenomenon in popular psychology known as the "NPC", a computing term that stands for "non-player character". In a computer game an NPC is any character not controlled by a player and is instead generated and activated by the game's own program. The NPC therefore has no mind or personality. This has become a metaphor for a certain personality type, often illustrated by the Wojak meme with a simple line drawn face. NPC's are not to be confused with psychopaths. NPC's do have a conscience and can feel empathy, but they cannot act on it. This is because they have no internal thought dialogue and so are incapable of changing their minds about anything or generating an original action without an external mental stimulus. In the film, Suetonius jokes about building walls, but he is clearly in the wrong job. He forces himself to suppress his own conscience in order to function in the Roman army. I call these people "pseudo-psychopaths". He is clearly no NPC, but his aide-de-camp is. Managers can switch on and off their robotic nature depending on whether or not they are on duty, which is interesting. In the social club some of them behave like anybody else and are even good company. This makes it obvious that being robotic and mindless is not essential to running a hospital, even though many people will claim that it is. There's simply something about the modern healthcare system that seems to demand it of people. My own confrontation with this mindset was very revealing. It was in a strange way a bit like the Boudican revolt with myself on the side of the Britons, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/01/ten-years-on.html. This difference between myself and most other people I know could be the very reason I experience Boudica moments.
See here for more information: https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2025/02/boudica-portal.html.

Patients Please!

 

Breaking news! During last night's Gas Spanner, see: https://hpanwo-radio.blogspot.com/2025/09/the-gas-spanner-programme-133.html, somebody in the chatbox made me aware of something extraordinary. There is now a computer game based on hospital portering. I didn't believe him until I looked myself. The game is called Patients Please! and is a hospital portering simulator. It is for one to four players and the object of the game is to "satisfy each of the ridiculous hospital requirements, please the patients and make as much money as possible". It is being developed by a Scottish company called Damage State and appears to be out for crowdfunding. There is no need to ask whether or not I would donate! Source: https://ukgamesfund.com/funded-project/patients-please. The page doesn't give much information except a basic play description and the statement that it is a work in progress. The fund may have closed or has not yet opened; it's far from clear. I will naturally offer them my services as a consultant like I already have done for Hollywood, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2013/08/portering-hits-hollywood.html. That's all the information I can locate right now. I'll post an update as soon as I have more. Obviously I will be a very keen player and promoter of this game when it becomes available.