"Don't Tell 'em We're Porters!"

 

What I consider one of the most important messages for hospital porters was one I wrote in an article in 2007 on the main HPANWO Blog so I have reposted a new reedited version here. It is still equally relevant:
A few months ago I spent an evening down town with some of my brother porters. We drifted from pub to pub as lively fellers do, sampling the beverages and talking to people. All at once a group of attractive looking women came up to us and we began a conversation. One of my friends, Steve, not his real name, immediately took me to one side and whispered fiercely in my ear: "For God's sake don't tell 'em we're porters!" He then turned back to the group without giving me a chance to reply. One of the girls then asked: "So what do you guys do for a living?" Steve replied: "We work up at the John Radcliffe Hospital." "Oh really." she said. "Doing what? Are you a nurse?" Steve shrugged. "No, we… just help out."... "We're porters." I interjected in a loud voice. There was a tense silence. Steve glared at me. The conversation continued for a few minutes then the girls said goodbye and left the pub. Steve was furious with me: "Why did you do that, Ben!? What the hell were you thinking of, telling those girls we were porters!? Do you think I want to women like them to know I'm only a hospital porter!?"

There are pimps and drug dealers who are not ashamed to declare publicly what they do for a living; why is it that HP's, people who provide essential services to society, feel that they cannot? Not only HP's like myself; but cleaners, dustmen, road-sweepers and those who maintain public toilets. We talk about getting a "good job" and "I want a better job". This usually means a job that earns more money, but not always. A policeman, fireman or member of the armed forces enjoys a high-profile job without being extremely rich. It seems to me that we live in a world where jobs have been categorized into a hierarchy of status. Different levels of status have been arbitrarily attached to jobs within the hierarchy that usually do not relate to that job's importance or contribution to the human world. A stockbroker enjoys high status, yet society could easily function without them (some might claim it would even be better off), however the man who removes and processes our rubbish is vital to human wellbeing. Without him every city would have long ago been buried under a mountain of its own waste. But if you were to meet a stockbroker and a dustman at the same time, who would you consider the most important?

Any system of groundless values is part of what I used to call the conformist regime. There's an interesting scene in the film Babe that gives a perceptive summary of the conformist regime. The scene begins with the little piglet, Babe, trying to follow his adopted mother, Fly the sheepdog, into the farmhouse. Fly turns to Babe and says: "I'm afraid pigs aren't allowed in the house." Babe asks "Why's that, Mum?" and Fly replies: "That's just the way things are." That's just the way things are. It just is. So many questions are answered with that non-explanation, and we simply accept it. I imagine that when Fly was a puppy she asked her own mother the same question and got the same response, and again when Fly's mother was a puppy etc. Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hp_2UmOEQvU. I've previously mentioned another example of a very frustrating and upsetting aspect of HPing, "Popping the question", see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/10/popping-question-responses.html. This happened less and less later in my service because word got round the hospital about what my answer would be. It didn't take long though until I discovered a much more sinister side to these questions, from one of the ODP's- Operating Department Practitioners, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2023/05/i-lied-to-jack.html. The solution is to see the conformist regime for what it is and reject it. But that can't happen by courting favour from the system. That can only happen if your self-respect comes from within and is not dependant on how others see you. It means being proud to be a porter, or a cleaner or a toilet attendant or a road sweeper even if every other person in the world demeans you. It actually means that Steve should be willing, even eager, to tell those attractive girls we met that he is a hospital porter. If they then lose interest in him because of that then as the old saying goes "If I ain't good enough for you... then you ain't good enough for me!" Since I made the decision to do that I actually felt happier because, even though I may have fewer friends, and have had even fewer girlfriends, I know that the few friends and lovers I have had are true friends and lovers who accept me for who I am. I also enjoy the notion of doing a job that is important and essential regardless of its status. I find it more interesting, exciting and rewarding. My experience with Steve hurt me more than anything any civilian has said to me. I'm not really bothered when I hear: "Porters? They're shit!" I get bothered when I hear: "Porter? We're shit!" It doesn't matter what civilians think of us; what matters is what we think of ourselves. Unfortunately some of my brother and sister porters have a passionate belief in their own worthlessness and will staunchly defend it from all borders. As you can guess, these porters don't get on very well with me. But a friend to all is a friend to none.

Cabal on Breathtaking

 

My Extremely Proud and Dignified Brother Porter known as "XCABALX" has done other reviews I have examined, for example: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/08/cabal-on-paper-mask.html. Now he has reviewed the new medical drama series Breathtaking. This new programme is set in a British NHS hospital during the Covid 19 pandemic and has an illustrious wellspring in the form of its writers. Rachel Clarke is somebody I probably met because she was a medical student and junior doctor at the John Radcliffe while I was there. She has written a fascinating book about being a doctor called Your Life in My Hands, see: https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/35223582. Jed Mercurio is another former doctor who also wrote one of the best comedy series I've ever seen, The Grimleys, see: 

https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2008/07/grimlys.html. He wrote another medical drama called Cardiac Arrest that I never liked. I have actually not seen Breathtaking, so I'm breaking one of my own rules reading a review of it. The series has brought back a lot of painful memories for Cabal of health service under the jackboot of the pandemic restrictions and the plight of those who suffered as a result of it... not to mention as a result of the jackboot too! This is something I never experienced; I was discharged eight years earlier. It makes me wonder how I would have coped with it. I can see myself there. In a strange way I feel some misplaced guilt, as if I've committed a dereliction of duty. This is a ridiculous emotion, but I can't help it. Cabal praises the creators, including the third screenwriter Prasanna Punawarajah and the director Craig Viveiros. The main character is played by Joanne Froggatt. Source: https://dreamingspireart.wordpress.com/2024/04/10/breathtaking-a-review-of-itv-docu-drama-miniseries/. Cabal touchingly dedicates the article to our Brother Porters we lost during the pandemic and describes the shadow their tragedy casts on today's JR portering department.

See here for more information: 

https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2021/02/coronavirus-portal.html.

Lift Dignity Statements

 

A Dignity Statement of a particular kind; basic, third party, physical, telephone etc, has its own unique effect; however each of these formats can have a different effect compared to others which are alike depending on the situation. Most hospitals have lifts. In fact any hospital with more than about a hundred beds will have more than one floor and so as a HP you will regularly be using lifts, usually the big ones for patient transport. Some hospitals, especially the very large ones, are multi-storey and you will be using the lifts for almost every journey. A lift, what Americans call an "elevator" is like a pause or moment of stasis in the course of your duties and any civilian you happen to be sharing the lift with. You enter the lift and press the control buttons and then you secure the vehicle, make sure it is clear of the doors and other lift passengers, apply the brakes if necessary. Then you have nothing to do for a number of seconds to several minutes. Obviously if you have a patient then you just do your job, like the nurse or other civilian present must do. However, imagine a scenario, one that will definitely happen for real at some point. What if you get into a lift and you have no patient and then the lift stops on a floor and a potential target enters. If it is just the two of you in the lift together then you probably will not be speaking to each other because of his or her routine antipathy towards you. It is possible he or she may mumble something like "Hi, Ben. You okay?" as a perfunctory gesture. Then you can choose to reply normally, ignore them, which you might not feel comfortable doing, or reply with a DigState. Alternatively if your potential target ignores you, why not try singing a porters' song. Just croon it quietly to yourself without looking at the target; do not scream it in their ear. Then again you might have a fellow porter in the lift with you. This is a far more productive situation because you then are under no pressure to speak to the target; and it's a perfect place for a third party DigState. The same goes if you are called on the radio because then you can adapt the telephone method, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2023/12/telephone-dignity-statements.html.
 
You may have noticed that in truth there is no fundamental difference between lift Dignity Statements and any other. There is however one way the lift DigStates stand out. The fact that you are standing still, in a confined space and may be alone with your target or with your target and stooge, the impact and effect will be far more intense. It is therefore even more essential that you conduct yourself correctly. Remember, if you overdo a DigState or act beyond the boundaries explained in the tutorials in the background links, you might commit a misdemeanour that he or she could report you for. This will make him/her the good guy and the one who benefits. In fact I recommend not trying a lift DigState until you have a bit of experience with regular ones. However, if you can deliver the DigState properly in a lift it will pack a punch (not literally!) of a dozen in any other situation.
See here for background: https://hpanwo-radio.blogspot.com/2020/08/the-gas-spanner-programme-2.html.
And: https://hpanwo-tv.blogspot.com/2013/07/physical-dignity-statements.html.

Civilian Receptionists- Yay or Nay?

 

Doctors' receptionists have become a social phenomenon. They are regarded as one of the "public enemy" professions along with traffic wardens, bailiffs and taxmen. Every GP's surgery has them and they are a gauntlet that every patient must run; but for some reason acute care units never had them at all until very recently. This could be because the job is comparatively simple. A GP's receptionist is also a secretary, handling medical records and clinic referrals etc, but reception duty in a hospital is very different and much easier. Your job involves being nice and sympathetic to people who arrive, knowing that they might be in physical or emotional pain and discomfort. You then give them directions to where they need to go within the hospital. If they have any mobility problems you can call a porter to help them. Reception in NHS hospitals used to be done by the porters. The job was the principle task of the senior porter, often along with a basic grade assistant known as a "desk porter". In the old days he would often wear a white shirt instead of the general issue light blue. This task would be combined with dispatch. At some point the decision was made to replace the porters on reception with civilian receptionists and I know why. It came about at around the same time as the sentence: "but it doesn't look good" became a catchphrase. When Mediclean was granted the contract to run the JRH domestics and porters they immediately started emphasizing their corporate image. The entrance and main street were redesigned to make them look like a hotel. We were given new uniforms that looked smarter, which was nice; but as it turned out this was no compliment. At the same time, Mediclean began removing us from the view of both visitors and staff. They employed a dispatcher, what they called a "controller" (The first one was actually a very likeable chap called John, husband of the contract manageress); and they brought in receptionists for Monday-to-Friday-nine-to-five. The receptionists were all young, female and conventionally good-looking. They dressed in smart suits and wore lots of jewellery. One of them once told me that the manager had informed her that her principle job was to "sit there and look pretty". The problem is though that a pretty girl is not necessarily much good at anything else if she is not trained properly and does not stay long enough to gain experience. In those days nobody received proper training unless one of the few experts took it upon themselves, which was basically me and a handful of others. Management across the entire trust stopped caring about the quality of the service they provided, and in fact it was their public duty to provide. Instead they spent their whole time checking that everything "looked good". The wards were being staffed by total dullards resulting in an unsanitary level of cleanliness, but it didn't matter so long as the main street parquet was polished and the receptionist's earrings sparkled.
 
We had mixed feelings about the civilian receptionists. Senior porters hated it because they felt they were being insulted by being shielded from public gaze; and they were right. It turned them into primarily administrators who spent most of their time in the Mediclean offices. Most of the lodge boys disliked reception duty and so were generally pleased, although a few of us enjoyed reception work and so looked forward to lates, nights and weekend shifts so we could do it. This is not the first time HP's have acted against their own interest for the sake of short term and limited gain, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/02/delivery-suite.html. The receptionists themselves were a mixed bunch. Despite their glamour I never felt serious attraction for any of them. There were two I got to know very well; one I liked and the other I didn't. I'll call the first one "Lesley". She was a down-to-earth and friendly girl who liked talking to the porters and socialized a lot with us off duty. She ended up marrying a porter and they had a baby. The second one I'll call "Rebecca". She was far more aloof and isolated. She did not ignore the porters, but the way she dealt with us made me feel uncomfortable. She was very insincere and twofaced. It was difficult to know what she really thought about anything because she had an annoying habit of poking her nose into our personal business and manipulating those involved. If two porters were having an argument about anything she would immediately wade in with her 36G's and take the side of one of them. We quickly noticed that this was not because of some high moral principle; she would back whichever porter she found the most attractive and considered the higher in status. As a result she could promote one belief one day and then promote with equal gusto its antithesis the following day; and she really thought we wouldn't notice? Rebecca regarded the gossip and office politics of the Facilities department as a real life soap opera, and of which she was a dedicated commentator. Civilian receptionists were a product of a particular ethos in the NHS during the 90's and early 2000's. I think NHS management knew deep down that their institution was rotting away and they just tried to cover it up with cosmetics, like a dodgy second-hand car dealer painting over the rust. Of course it didn't work and eventually this led to a national scandal, see: https://www.ox.ac.uk/news/2016-12-21-nhs-hospitals-outsource-cleaning-‘linked-higher-rates-mrsa’. This media outcry came about ten years too late... We warned them! We bloody well warned them! Remind you of anything? See: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2014/01/man-falls-to-his-death-at-jr.html. I long for the day when hospital managers will say: "how good is this working?" instead of "does it look good?". At the moment that day is sadly a long way off.

Lockdown Memories

 

Lest we forget... And I know a lot of you want to forget. It's understandable. The Covid 19 pandemic hit a hard stop in November 2021. It was a remarkable occurrence that has never happened before in politics. What had been the "current thing" for the previous eighteen months just vanished overnight down the Memory Hole. The bigger issues associated with that can be found in the background link below and lie outside the remit of the HPWA. It is possible we hospital porters might have to go through the same thing again. The World Health Organization keeps talking about "the next pandemic". What next pandemic? How do they know? Whatever the answer the HP's will be on the front line of dealing with it, like all healthcare providers. Joe Albro is a porter at Harrogate District Hospital. He says he walks 23,000 to 30,000 steps a day; yes indeed! At least we keep fit with our job. He is engaged to be married to a girl in HR, presumably not a girl like the ones I knew, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2023/05/ive-got-posting-in-thailand.html. He joined the porters in 2019, not knowing that six months later he'd be at the pandemic coalface. "The job was already busy, but when Covid happened it got crazy. The second wave has been manic. You can work non-stop some days, walking everywhere and pushing stuff around. It is exhausting. It doesn't worry me working here, especially as we've got all the correct PPE." Contrary to popular belief, a lot of the personal protective equipment we used in the lockdown was that which we used anyway in some situations because we're all trained for quarantine conditions, what we call "barrier". Joe is very inspired because he had to care for his mother who has multiple sclerosis. Of all the traumatic elements of the job, the part he finds the most difficult to deal with is patients with dementia. Source: https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-55984765. I salute my EP&DBP Joe Albro! I wonder what he's doing now. Is he still in HPing? Did he get married to his admin sweetheart? If he's still one of us, what will he be having to deal with in the years to come. Whatever the answer, I wish him all the best.
See here for background: https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2021/02/coronavirus-portal.html.

HP Seeks Missing Boy

 

When a young person goes missing it is terrifying and worrying for their parents and everybody else who is close to them. When the disappearance is permanent and has no apparent explanation it is even worse. One of the most disturbing examples of just such an occasion happened in Glasgow on New Year's Day 1966. A teenage boy called Alex Cleghorn was first-footing with his two older brothers, a Scottish New Year tradition involving visiting a stranger's house bearing gifts. The three boys were walking along Govan Road in the east of the city when the two older boys, David and William, suddenly realized Alex was no longer beside them. They looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen. The police investigated, but to this day Alex is listed as a missing person. Members of Alex' family still comment on articles and social media posts about this case. It has divided the family. Some people think Alex was simply drunk and wandered off, but that doesn't explain why he never came back or contacted home. I expect fingers pointed at the brothers, as so often happens in these cases. Six years later on New Year's Day 1972 David and William retraced their steps in the forlorn hope that somehow their little brother might return. This sounds to me rather like the "Missing 411" cases investigated by David Paulides, see: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2023/03/portal-caught-on-film.html. However, it is very rare for a person to disappear so suddenly in the presence of witnesses. Source: https://www.tiktok.com/@creepyglasgow_gal/video/7251064614119623963.
 
Luckily, a hospital porter is coming to the rescue. Andy Owens lives in West Yorkshire and his bio states that he "works as a hospital porter", but in fact nobody works as a HP. HPing is not a job; it's a calling, a way of life. It's what we are and what we do; it is not a job, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/its-not-job.html. Andy is the author of several books on the supernatural. He describes himself as "an open-minded skeptic" which makes a change from the usual kind. He is writing a new book called The British X-Files in which he describes his plan to get to the truth. See here for his website: https://owensandy.com. I have already contacted Andy and we've exchanged some emails. You might think that success is unlikely, but sometime missing people do come back, often in an equally mysterious way, for example: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2018/02/missing-skier.html. I also went missing for a while myself, see: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2021/10/ive-had-missing-time.html. I wish MEP&DBP Andy all the very best of luck in his mission. If anybody can find Alex, a HP can!
See here for more information: 

https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2021/08/skeptics-portal.html.

A HP's Life without Dignity Statements

 

I know what it is like to live as a hospital porter without dignity statements because I did so for the first few years of my career. I describe two experiences from that period here: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/how-dare-you.html and: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/well-take-it-from-here.html. There were many others. Deep down, maybe I should be grateful for those dark days because without them would there be a HPWA at all? What is it like to endure twenty-three years of that nightmare? I'm glad I never found out. But how do HP's who don't know about the dignity statement cope? What about those who positively reject it, for a recent example see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/02/it-doesnt-work.html? You can just bite your tongue and take it, but is that healthy? The brilliant 2003 comedy film Anger Management has Jack Nicholson, in one of his best performances, playing a psychotherapist. In one scene he tells one of his patients: "There are two kinds of angry people in this world, explosive and implosive. Explosive is the kind of individual you see screaming at the cashier for not taking their coupons. Implosive is the cashier who remains quiet day after day and finally shoots everyone in the store." Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sw24BjNsnkw. You'll be relieved to know that I've never witnessed a HP shooting anybody in a hospital, but I have seen them blow their fuses and start shouting at the top of their voice, sometimes throwing objects around in their fury; and I've seen some civilians doing the same. Psychologists use a lot of physical metaphors when referring to emotion, like "bottling up" and "letting it out". What about the perfect stoic who bites his tongue for his entire career? I knew a porter who was six months away from retirement and he transformed into a docile sheep. As a result the rest of his section, and the civilians, used him as a walking punch-bag. We knew it was because he was just biding his time, running the calendar down; longing for that happy day when he walked out of the lodge for the last time. But memories of humiliation can torment; I've felt them. Injustice without recourse is a mental torture, and like all very intense negative emotions, it can lead to depression and post-traumatic stress that can cause physical ailments. I often wonder how much that man really enjoyed his retirement.
 
I know you'll sometimes hear phrases like "rise above it!" and "water off a duck's back!", but how honest is that? I also know many people who forgive their abusers, either from a sense of duty because of a religious belief or as a way to find personal peace. However, there is a shadow to that desire for peace. The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche pointed out that abusers never forgive their victims, it is only the victim who has to forgive their abuser; and he believed this was fundamentally an expression of powerlessness. For a person without power at the mercy of another who is cruel and sadistic, you have to forgive for your own selfish needs, to avoid the only alternative which is to sit and seethe in ineffectual rage for your entire life. It was a part of what he called "slave morality". Source: https://fdrpodcasts.com/5412/how-to-never-be-bullied. In a hospital, being the type who screams at the cashier is not an option either, it will quickly get you discharged. People like that also have trouble holding down a civvy job. The only option is the dignity statement. It is the most gratifying revenge of all, and the most potent because it includes total impunity. It leads to the most sublime inner peace in a situation fraught with even the worst structural violence. There is no valour in false modesty; I believe I have made a world-changing breakthrough, one that can brighten up the lives or all my brother and sister porters; and anybody else who chooses to try it. If any readers disagree and think they have a better solution, feel free to let me know.

"It Doesn't Work!"

 

I've said many times that it doesn't bother me so much when civilians look down at porters, but it causes me a lot of distress when porters look down on porters. I recently wrote about a very disturbing conversation I had with a fellow HP in which he argued for his own worthlessness and became annoyed with me for disagreeing with him, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/the-delegation-argument.html; and he is not alone. Most of my brother and sister porters really like the idea of dignity statements. As you know, they work best when you have another HP with you when you are carrying one out. However, there were a handful who were rather irritated about the concept. "It doesn't work, Ben! They don't care!" they used to say to me. I found this cynicism over dignity statements upsetting, especially because it was coming from a HP. Ironically these HP's tended to be the individuals who complained the most about nastiness and passive aggression from civilian staff. What I offered them was a solution to passive aggression, a viable and potent defence against what they seemed to hate so much; but they just threw is away like a piece of rubbish. The fact of the matter is, dignity statements do work! How do I know that? Because everybody knows what humiliation is; it is as universal to the human experience as birth and death. What I do not understand is the desire to inflict it onto others without provocation. I have never experienced that, but I do know those who have that desire exist and that the dignity statement completely disarms them. It disarms them because they always know when they fire a humiliation missile at somebody and it bounces off. My cynics sometimes point to an example of where a dignity statement allegedly did not work. A civilian friend of mine, a HCA, once came to me and told me that she had been talking to "Miss stuck-up little bitch nurse" (one of many!) and the nurse had mentioned to my friend that I had DS'ed her a few days previously. "Why does Ben do that?" she apparently asked. "What does he mean by it?" However, I am almost certain that the nurse said this to my friend because she knew this HCA was my friend and would report back to me that the nurse had said this. It was a forlorn attempt to neutralize the dignity statement. Despite me explaining this to my portering cynic, he stubbornly insisted dignity statements were "a waste of time!" and that "they just make you look stupid!" It is sad, but some people deep down do not want to be free.

Would I Ever Have Left?

 

See here for essential background: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/01/ten-years-on.html.
There's a question a lot of people have asked me and I have asked it to myself: Is there any situation in which I would have willingly hung up my gas spanner? After serious consideration I have decided that the answer is almost certainly no. When I look back at what I endured during my twenty-three years of service; and none of that made me even consider it, what could hit me in the future that could be worse? My brother and sister hospital porters still serving keep me informed and they tell me that in the decade without me that has just passed, things have got far worse. (I'm not claiming there is a causal link there!) I have reported a lot of these nightmares on the HPWA and The Gas Spanner radio show. However, had I been serving, none of these ordeals would have induced me to leave. It's possible I would have been dismissed because of my stubbornness when it comes to matters of principle; this almost happened twice before, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/02/delivery-suite.html and: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2017/07/odo.html. But to instigate my own departure from HPing? No way! I was so institutionalized that I actually couldn't imagine myself as anything but a HP. As I've said before, it's more than "just a job, mate". Envisioning myself as anything other than a HP was like envisioning myself as a centaur or a leprechaun. Not only that, but on a practical level, what else could I do? I have no formal education, no qualifications except a GCSE pass in English and French. I have no skills outside those needed for HPing and it's hard to see how most of those could be applied to any civilian profession; they are exclusive to the work HP's do. As a result I now work in a simple self-employed civilian state. I was also socially institutionalized. I lived inside a relationship bubble containing my brother/sister porters and people they all knew or were related to. I once joked about this, that I knew nobody else outside that bubble, but even at the time my laughter had a slightly sombre undertone. There are no support organizations for ex-HP's (except the HPWA of course!) or in fact for any NHS veterans. We literally jump into the dark, landing in, what for many of us, is a completely alien world. This does not affect all HP's. There are some of us who get through our service with "one foot in the lodge", doing our duties without really caring about it or getting deeply involved emotionally. I don't understand those people, but I know they exist. I was never one of them; I could never be one of them. This is a big subject that I cover elsewhere, but I do believe in fate, to a certain extent. We are definitely the directors of our own lives, yet we direct within the framework of a basic storyline, some changes in our lives are ordained by "higher forces". If what happened to me in 2012 was "meant to happen", that it was simply the time in my life that I needed to move on from HPing, then this destiny was fulfilled the only way it ever could be; I was forced out.
See here for more background: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/its-not-job.html.

Hospital Civilians Drug Patients

 

One of the best things about being a hospital porter is that you know you're one of the hospital good guys. Now, I am very well aware that we're definitely not perfect, for example: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2021/05/paul-farrell-jailed.html; but generally speaking we're lilywhites compared to the civilian professions. Very often when some act of scumbaggery occurs in a hospital, fingers instinctively point at the porters, but this is a myth that is losing credibility with each turning of the news cycle. Catherine Hudson was a nurse at the Blackpool Victoria Hospital and she has just been sentenced to seven years in prison for gross malpractice. Her accomplice, Charlotte Wilmot, has been described as a "healthcare worker" which probably means a nursing auxiliary or HCA; and she has got three years. The two served on a stroke unit and during nightshifts gave their patients extra sedation to keep them quiet in order to make the nurses' jobs easier. Hudson and Wilmot made spiteful jokes to each other on Whatsapp. I don't think that alone is necessarily insidious, as I've said before, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2020/05/sick-hospital-video.html; but in this case it does seem to have served as incitement to genuine malice. Source: https://news.sky.com/story/nurse-and-healthcare-worker-jailed-after-patients-sedated-for-easy-shift-13029474. This "culture of abuse" went on for at least a year. It ended when a student nurse, known only as "Nurse A" for legal reasons, blew the whistle. She had been doing a stint on the hospital wards and discovered Hudson and Wilmot's conspiracy. Management at Blackpool Teaching Hospitals NHS Foundation Trust made a public statement praising the decency and courage of Nurse A... but in private I am sure they are cursing her name. I suspect once she qualifies she will be blacklisted and find a lot of career obstacles mysteriously appearing in her path. I am sure this "culture of abuse" is everywhere, and management know it and look the other way. Occasionally it pops up, like in this case and the terrible one in the background link below; but the only thing managers lament is the scandal it causes. It's the law of the jungle on those wards and the patients are the prey.
See here for background: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2015/12/nhs-nurses-destroy-patients-doll.html.

Women who Love HP's

 

I'd like to use this year's Valentine's Day to pay homage to a very special kind of woman. Women who love hospital porters. This is not my own partner; I don't have one at the moment. I did once and she was also that special kind of woman, naturally. What is so special about loving hospital porters? After all, are we not loveable? Of course we are, but we're not supposed to be. We live in a culture where relationships have been reduced to a disposable consumer product as much as everything else. The average endurance of a romantic partnership, should you be lucky enough to find one at all, is far shorter than it used to be. Convention demands that when we encounter a suitor we assess him or her as we would any other product; what can this man or woman do for me on a practical level instead of what personal qualities it is about him or her that we admire? The practical assessment includes the social status one achieves, how you measure up to others in the great hierarchy of life. This can involve a "trophy wife/husband". To fall in love with somebody of low social status means sticking two fingers up to convention and saying: "I love this man/woman!" despite conformist pressure. Septimius Severus once said: "Most men would rather face an army than the scorn of their peers." But for women you could multiply the armies by a hundred because most women find it harder to resist peer pressure than most men. They have to put up with their friends and neighbours frowning at them and muttering: "You'd think she could find a bloke with a better job!" Other men will come up to her and say things like: "What do you see in him!? He's a loser! I could give you so much more..." The amount of moral courage necessary to stand in the face of all that is incalculable. To stand and say: "I don't care! He's a great man for many reasons. And you mention his job; well he's doing one of the most important jobs in the entire world. I'm proud of him for that!" I won't be sharing this post on social media like I normally do; I'll leave it here only for dedicated HPWA readers. One reason, I must admit, is that several names come to mind when I think of these special women and I don't want to embarrass them if they recognize themselves. One had a husband who was a famous vampire hunter, as well as a HP. Another helps run a UFO group in the east of England. Her current husband is not a HP, but her first one was. I hope those two and all the other great ladies who love HP's have a wonderful Valentine's Day.
See here for more information: https://hpanwo-tv.blogspot.com/2024/02/valentines-day-livestream.html.

Downtime Guilt

 

I've had an angst-filled letter from a brother porter at a UK hospital, one I count among my valued readers of the HPWA and listeners of The Gas Spanner. He is unfortunate enough to have a management team whose understanding and experience of hospitals is nonexistent. He was in the lodge with some of his fellow porters one day when a manager walked in and asked them in a demeaning tone: "Don't you chaps have any work to do?" As I read this I rolled my eyes and groaned. What the manager was objecting to was what is known as "downtime", something we porters more often call "between jobs". In hospitals, our workload is unpredictable by its very nature. The number of porters you have on a shift is not the number you need to carry out all the particular tasks at a particular period of time, for that is impossible; it is the number you need to do whatever is required of us at the maximum estimated workload rate for the entire shift. In fact it is sometimes necessary to call in supernumerary staff for a situation like a major incident. It's not like a factory where there are orders and schedules for everything that allows us to plan in advance. The inevitable result is that for certain time periods we will have no work to do. Anybody with any knowledge at all about HPing would realize this. Anybody who asks such a stupid and insulting question to porters between jobs has no such knowledge. Maybe it's a sign on the times. During the last few decades, management has changed from being a role given to people within an organization with the right skills and experience, to a separate profession in itself. Head porters and other administration staff are more often parachuted in from business school or polytechnics than being promoted seniors or supervisors. We can spot them a mile off; they are usually very young, very smartly dressed and as thick as sluice water. They are the people most likely to become "good idea fairies", see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/good-idea-fairies.html. They also hate being called head porters, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/08/sometime-in-themid-90s-i-had-rather.html. This stupidity is not as recent as you might think; in fact an old porter once told me there was a blockhead at the Churchill in the '60's with a bee in his bonnet about portering downtime. He had all sorts of hatchling insights which he was sure would to "solve!" the "problem!" like cutting the postroom staff down to delivery only and making the lodge porters sort the mail between jobs. How the mail was supposed to be sorted during busy shifts had not occurred to the solitary cerebral neuron he used to think with. In some hospitals they have even tried to abolish the lodge altogether. The "new lodge" at the JRH appears to be specifically geared to be a transitional phase leading to that kind of future, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/08/new-lodge.html. I've seen porters standing in a line outside the lodge door and even sitting on the floor. What is really horrid is that management appear to be trying to manipulate the porters emotionally. They want us to feel "downtime guilt" whenever we are between jobs. They do this by making changes to the lodges such as less comfortable chairs, removing privileges such as TV sets, kettles and microwave ovens, and the aforementioned visits from desk warriors to ask snide and sarcastic questions. Do they really think that if they inject some kind of whip-cracking negative incentive we will somehow overcome this appalling laziness baked into our portering bones? A laziness that magically disappears whenever we enter a busy workload period... coincidentally!

Matilda Pigtail Girl

 

A while ago I wrote an article about a scene from the 1996 Sony Pictures film Matilda, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2020/05/pride-intelligence-guts.html. I'd like to address another scene. It's a daring thing Roald Dahl did, as well as those who adapted his book. Child abuse is not a laughing matter, and Miss Trunchbull is typical of Dahl's adult villains, very irreverently portrayed and completely over the top. Yet again we see the tables turned against the bully by the reaction of the would-be victim and their friends. This time Trunchbull decides to pick on a sweet and diminutive girl called Amanda Thripp. The reason is, Amanda has her hair in pigtails and Trunchbull doesn't like pigtails. After some verbal humiliation, Trunchbull picks up Amanda by her pigtails and spins her around herself like a throwing hammer; Trunchbull being a former Olympic hammer throw champion. She hurls Amanda into the air with enormous force. The girl is tossed high and long over the school fence; however, in the middle of the trajectory, she gains control of her flight and lands softly in a field of beautiful flowers. She slides through the field, grinning with delight as she picks the flowers on the way. When she comes to a standstill, she stands up, shakes herself and holds up the bunch, waving to her friends who cheer in response. Miss Trunchbull is furious at the outcome. Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7CZ4ev7gHc. This is very similar to the cake eating scene with Bruce. The abuser finds her own actions backfire against her by the response of her target and the support of her friends. That is the lesson we hospital porters must learn, and anybody else in a similar situation.

See here for more background: https://hpanwo-tv.blogspot.com/2017/09/drop-dead-fred-film-review.html.
And: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2023/06/the-future-by-stefan-molyneux.html.

The Delegation Argument

 

I had a very upsetting conversation once with a theatre porter. I said: "We porters are part of a life-saving team." He responded: "So if the police do a raid and catch some bank robbers, yet just before the raid the inspector asks his secretary: 'Can you pass me that pen?' and she does it, is she also part of the team who catches the bank robbers?" What made me so sad was that this theatre porter was arguing for his own worthlessness, yet that didn't deter him. Despite what you might think, it actually doesn't bother me that much when civilians look down at porters; it bothers me far more when porters look down at porters. Many many times when you, as a HP, approach others with anything short of shoulder slumping humility you will be hit with the delegation argument. "But all you do is push a trolley. If you weren't there anybody else could do it. When I was in hospital I saw a nurse pushing a trolley etc etc." This comment shows a total ignorance of hospital matters. In Ireland anaesthetists and anaesthetic nurses are not needed in delivery to do epidurals; obstetricians do their own epidurals and are assisted by midwives. Does this mean therefore that anaesthetics and anaesthetic nurses are worthless? If they then move on to the "pass the pen" development, you should ask your interrogator: "Alright then, where is the line drawn?" At what point does one become a person of value even though they can also be delegated? Is the person just to the other side of that line of no value at all? Do you see what a ridiculous and illogical point this is? In a large hospital there are porters and what we do is essential to the workings of that institution. In very some small clincs there are no porters, especially when the patients treated tend to be mobile. In very small local surgeries, especially in remote areas, there are no nurses, just one or two doctors. Anybody using the delegation argument is either ignorant or dishonest. They are nothing but conformists who cannot bear to live in a world where HP's are proud to be HP's.

It's Not a Job

 

It's a way of life! But it's difficult to explain that. In my video about Barry dying, see: https://hpanwo-tv.blogspot.com/2022/10/barry-dies.html. I describe a late night argument between myself and a senior porter at the senior's house; and the worst part was that Barry joined in and took his side in a calmer and more sensitive way. The senior was always a bit of a flash Harry. I didn't dislike him, but he sometimes rubbed me up the wrong way; however, I was obviously much fonder of Barry and so therefore his criticism felt much more uncomfortable. I had assumed he would back me up and he didn't. There was another time that happened; he thought I had done the wrong thing when I made my stand in DS, see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/02/delivery-suite.html; this is despite the fact that he once lost his temper with his manager in X-ray filing and swore at her, and I backed him up. As I said in the video, Barry was like a surrogate father to me, but he was not perfect. The core of Barry's and the senior's issue with me confused me. It was actually only much later, having thought it over, that I understood it. The senior and Barry wanted me to become more conventional, "just normal" to use the convention's term for itself. Barry always said that one day he would have a "serious talk!" with me; it was when we went on our planned camping trip to Ireland in 1997. This "talk" never happened.
 
You might wonder how this is relevant, well I shall explain. Hospital portering is not a job, it's a way of life. It is something you are, not something you do. Every HP knows this deep down, but few will admit it. To admit it means going against convention because HPing is conventionally portrayed as so different, something you are simply not allowed to have those feelings for. To go against convention is extremely difficult. I've noticed that if you steal somebody's car or have an affair with their girlfriend they will respond with less hostility than they would when you make a comment that questions convention; and facing hostility from most of the people around you is very tough. As Septimius Severus said: "Most men would rather face an army than the scorn of their peers." Yet, paradoxically you might think, at the same time those same hostile people are unable to define convention. It is as if they are fish and it's the sea they swim in. The argument with the senior and Barry was confusing for me because they could not define precisely what it was they wanted from me. I kept repeating: "What exactly is your point?" The difference between them and most of the others is, they cared for me; Barry especially, but so did the senior in his own way. They wanted me to become what they are because it made their lives easier, but they couldn't put what they were into words; to them it was simply self-explanatory. As I've said before, there are HP's who are ashamed to admit that they're HP's, see: https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2007/12/dont-tell-em-were-porters.html. Many can't even bear to tell others that they enjoy being HP's. This is really sad. If they just make the effort to stand up to convention, however hard it is at first, the rewards are extraordinary. It's a liberation like no other. The HPWA and The Gas Spanner show is all about showing you how and giving you support in your effort. Please do it!

A Stitch in Time

 

After the previous pair of angst essays it's nice to write about something cheerful for a change. There are several films called "a Stitch in Time". The phrase refer to the old mnemonic: "a stitch in time saves nine", meaning clothes mending is easier if you catch the damage early. The film I'm talking about is the 1963 Rank Organization's slapstick comedy A Stitch in Time starring Norman Wisdom. I say "starred", but in reality Norman created a genre of his own. The story follows Norman being his usual self-styled character in the form of a young butcher's apprentice. He ends up at a hospital where he meets a young girl who has been struck mute since her parents suddenly died. Being his characteristic empathic clown, Norman makes a huge effort to keep visiting her in order to care for her and heal her, resulting in the usual hilarious chaos. What is interesting is that at one point he decides to take on the job of a porter and the porters at that hospital have a very unusual transfer method. The patients are not moved on wheeled vehicles by hand; they are put on stretchers and are driven on small electric cars which the porters drive. Source: https://youtu.be/bUBBvU_ReMU?si=K4td55XODgvjkT2L&t=980. I've never heard of such a thing, especially as long ago as 1963, when the film was made. There are machines known as "bed pushers", for example: https://www.felgains.com/care-products/felgains-gz10sl-slimline-hospital-bed-and-stretcher-mover/; but they were never a thing until the 2000's and they only provided motive force to assist the porter, who was walking as usual. They were not a vehicle by definition. I remember them being abandoned by management because of their expense and inefficiency. I suspect the vehicles in the film were imaginary and invented by the production designers; because they are used for great comedic effect when Norman races one of the porters along a corridor. Of course HP's are being listed for replacement by AI's, and one of my trolls gloated over this fact, but what profession isn't in this day and age? However, as I explain in this article: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2020/08/roboporter.html, contrary to popular belief, I think HP's will be one of the most difficult professions to robotize, not the easiest.

"We'll Take it From Here."

 

This article is very much a follow-up to this one: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2024/01/how-dare-you.html.
I'm taking quite a risk here. "Sharon" was an elderly lady when I was nineteen, so is unlikely still to be living today, but the subject of this article, nicknamed "Stacey", was only four of five years my senior so may well still be walking the earth and reading this. She would definitely recognize herself from my description. I have mentioned Stacey before on the HPWA and The Gas Spanner radio show, referring to her with epithets like "psycho-midwife" or "evil-eyed midwife". She introduced me to another acidic catchphrase that causes my flesh to crawl when I hear it to this day: "We'll take it from here." She said this to me several times, along with "your services are not required" when ordering me out of theatre in what I consider very inappropriate circumstances. She did this to humiliate me; and she also made a lot of very derogatory remarks about the Hospital Portering Service in general whenever I was around. She worked out quickly how to hit me where it hurt. Stacey was a hard-faced Canadian lady with a figure so skinny she could be anorexic. Her eyes were like those of "Centaur", see: https://hpanwo.blogspot.com/2009/01/eyes-of-centaur.html; lifeless, as if painted onto her face, the eyes of a corpse. Her face was like a skull. Her husband was a research doctor and she used to brag about it whenever I was in earshot, as if she thought she could somehow make me feel insecure that way! At least with that she revealed that she hadn't sussed me completely. The reason it is a risk to know she might be reading these words is because one should never show one's feelings of distress to people like her. Stefan Molyneux once gave advice for people being bullied in the workplace (sorry, I can't remember which programme), "stay centred". I don't understand what it feels like to want to inflict emotional pain onto other people who are innocent of any wrongdoing against me, but we don't have to understand. All we need to know is that there are individuals who do want to and we must make preparations to defend ourselves against them. The first thing we do is never feed their habit. Don't display openly the affront that you feel as a result of their abuse. In writing this article I am letting my shield down, displaying my vulnerability; I'm confessing that the emotional scars Stacey inflicted on me still hurt to this day. Sometimes you just have to do that. Stacey was one of the first generation of direct-entry midwives, doing a single three-year course with no nursing qualification. She joined the JRI staff midwives in about 1994, a few years after the incident with Sharon. She rotated to the wards every few months, which was a relief for me. But then she was promoted to a grade that gave her a permanent placement in DS. In all the time I served there, she never spoke to me at all except to give me orders or criticize me. Other porters complained about her attitude too. Unlike "Miss stuck-up little bitch nurse" who snapped at everybody indiscrimiately, Stacey only ever punched down, remaining respectful to her equals and superiors.
 
When I left DS in 1999 I was in a difficult situation because even though I had joined a new section, I was still one of only about half a dozen porters trained for the department; which meant I was inevitably expected to provide cover. What's more, the porter deployed into DS to replace me was a "sicknote Sammy", always off for one reason or another. Literally within my first week in the main hospital I was sent over there for an entire shift to cover for him. That day Stacey was on duty and she kept asking to do unnecessary and stupid jobs like moving a used surgical tool tray from one sterile supplies rack to another. She was clearly reacting to my escape and enjoying the fact that I had been recaptured and would only be allowed out on "day release". The following day I wrote a letter to the head porter with a formal request not to be deployed to DS; it was granted. The good news is I managed to deliver some very sweet revenge on Stacey because by then I had started developing dignity statements. Possibly my experiences with her inspired me, which is yet another backlash against her. I used some against her very effectively three or four times during the next few years on the rare occasions our paths crossed, see the background links below. Stacey eventually quit midwifery to do an administration job in research. Last thing I heard she had ended up in some inspection office at the Department of Health in London. I'd like to add that I've nothing against Canadian ladies. I knew another one called Shelley, and I'm using her real name this time. She was the exact opposite of Stacey, a beautiful warm and delightful young woman for whom I spent much of my first couple of years in the hospital nursing a passionate ardour.
See here for background: https://hpanwo-radio.blogspot.com/2020/08/the-gas-spanner-programme-2.html.
And: https://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2019/12/the-empath-test_11.html.

"How dare you!?"

 

One of the most upsetting experiences I had in hospital portering, at least regarding my relationships with civilian staff, took place in 1989, just about a year after I started. One of the midwifery sisters on Delivery Suite, whom I'll call Sharon, was quite an old lady not far off retirement. She usually came across as a very sweet and charming person, but I found out that in some circumstances she showed a different facet of her personality. One day, on an evening shift, I politely raised a concern with her which she dismissed out of hand. This was during a non-elective caesarean section, not a dire emergency though. When she was out of the theatre I went up to her and asked her again; and she yelled at me: "How dare you speak to the sister in charge of theatre like that! How dare you!? If you say one more word I'll take it up with Mervin!... You are a porter and your job is to do as you are told!" Mervin was the name of the head porter at the time. I was struck dumb. I had not "spoken to her" like anything. I had been calm and polite. I tried to make this point and she replied: "There's nothing more to be said on the matter!" I walked off. I was a nineteen year old porter at the time who had only recently joined the DS section. This experience upset me profoundly. Even now, after over thirty years, I find it very painful to remember and describe. To this very day when I hear the phrase How dare you! it rankles badly. I don't think I'll ever completely recover from that feeling. Sharon was an elderly midwife who had been in the profession her since she was young; she was a nurse as well and had qualified long before direct entry courses, with all the feminist propaganda associated with them. Yet she had been extremely dishonest and abusive. She had used portering's lower status to put me down; and she had openly lied and threatened to tell lies to my manager about me. She did this in earshot of all the other staff. This was my introduction to how disgusting other people can be in the hospital community. I'd like to say this was my only ordeal along those lines, but it definitely was not. However, this was certainly the first and the worst. I was far more cautious after that. Sharon never apologized to me or ever referred to this conversation again; she even went back to being all cute and nice. I never trusted her again though knowing she was so twofaced. I also know very well that behaviour like that is not confined to hospitals. I recall an incident about five years before that one when a teacher at my school did something similar. I should have left DS at that point, but I foolishly hung on for another nine years. They say that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and that's true; but it also wears down your soul. I've had to resist the temptation to become nihilistic and misanthropic; I'm helped by the fact that along with all the horrid old bags like her, I've served alongside many wonderful individuals too. I lost touch with Sharon when she retired and she is probably dead now. I just needed to tell the story of one of my darkest days in HPing; I've never told it before.
See here for background: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2022/02/delivery-suite.html.

Good Idea Fairies

 

I've been reading a military autobiography in order to review it for the HPANWO Voice blog, see: http://hpanwo-voice.blogspot.com/2024/01/no-easy-day.html. I was surprised at the author's descriptions of the camaraderie and culture within his special forces community because they sounded very like that within hospital portering. This is despite the huge difference between the roles and social standing of the two professions. I think this is partly because the special forces and HPing worlds are both exclusive male domains. I know the HPing world is not all men, but only about 5% of HP's are women. Feminists naturally denounce this with condescending terms like "male bonding" and "bromance". There is another similarity I noticed, possibly making this something universal within government service. What happens is, for example, the frontline staff who have to do the job every day and have developed a lot of experience and practical knowledge, work out a new method of doing something. They usually manage to get this idea cleared at the head porter/unit command level because those people share the day-to-day level with the frontliners, if they're good appointees. However, before this plan can be introduced, somebody higher up comes along and shoves their oar in. This is usually a younger member of staff who is rich in academic qualifications, but has little or no experience. In fact an NHS administrator can be promoted to the level of trust director with nothing more than their single week of student work experience with the porters. This admin officer will make some suggestion that is totally useless, extravagant or impractical and then the frontliners have to waste a lot of time and energy trying to explain why this is a bad idea to somebody who has far less understanding, but far more decision-making power. The book's author calls these people "good idea fairies". We called them "boy wonders"; although they were as often as not female, in which case we had far ruder terms for them. These overqualified underworked fools are clearly just trying to justify their own existence and, of course, their very high salary, with manufactured obstacles and therefore false solutions. They are sometimes more than just annoying though; their stupidity can kill, for example see: https://hpanwo-hpwa.blogspot.com/2014/01/man-falls-to-his-death-at-jr.html. I'm not sure what the solution is. The boy wonders and good idea fairies are a product of the fundamental bureaucracy of the state. Maybe some kind of anarchist utopia is possible where hospital porters and special forces will be free of these millstones, but that scenario lies beyond my imagination.